Walrus Hannah

Today was yet another embarrassing day for Hannah. But you may ask, "what’s different?" Today was the Bishops Rondebosch FNB Classic Clashes Derby Day. Bloody hell that was a mouth full. What does this mean for Hannah you may ask; well this means Hannah gets to first aid at the rugga. Well this may seem exciting to some of you, massaging the boys’ muscles and saving them and all, it isn't all that jazz. The life of a first aider is not all that glitz and glam (I don’t think anyone actually thinks it is, but YOLO). I stood from 8:00 until 13:00 and I passed out and slept for a solid five hours when I got home and awoke to pile of drool on my pillow and my cheek...I probably shouldn't have included that, but y'all are my family!

But Hannah, why was it embarrassing? Well for starters, I have to wear a bright red raincoat that literally flatters absolutely no one in the whole entire world. You can be seen from ten million miles away, which is the point, but seriously I look like a giant apple.

Now you know that awkward side step you do when you walk towards a stranger and you can’t decide which way to go? That is my signature move. Let me paint you a picture…there is a ruck, everyone clears away except for one lonely soul, you wait a few seconds to see if he will get up (meanwhile parents curse at you and tell you that you are pathetic at your job), you realize he needs help and run on, reach him only for him to jump up and say he is fine. Now you do an awkward jog off the field in shame. Or worse, you run on, he stands up and you run back, he falls down again, you run back and back and forth you go until eternity.

Then, this is my personal favourite, you run and the poor boy has been kicked where the sun don’t shine. Personally, I throw the ice pack at him and tell him to apply it to his special area, but sometimes they are in so much pain that obviously can’t do it. If you are in this situation you step back and let the male first aider do it. Ain’t no way we are going to third base when I know nothing about you, sorry sucker!

Now these things are all made three thousand times worse when Super Sport is there filming it for T.V and every single old boy and Southern Suburbs girl is clogging up the field, with their beady eyes on you.. Now thousands of more people can see me awkwardly run onto the red with arms flapping like a bloody walrus. My life is the definition of perfection, right? Oh shoot me right now!