Larry

On 8 May, the day before my birthday, I was treated to the best birthday present a girl could ever ask for…surgery. I had a cyst in my jaw and some horrible and wicked wisdom teeth that had to be yanked out. Of course, this was the only day I could have to surgery because I am a difficult and stupid person. It was fine though, my mom checked me into the hospital, and then left me all alone while she went back to work. Thank the pope the gift store had a wondrous range of magazines…oh wait, they didn’t, they had absolutely NONE. I was stuck with a stupid book about an old lady falling in love, a snoring neighbour and an exceedingly high patient down the hall who they thankfully sent home fairly soon into my visit. To make my life absolutely wonderful, my phone died two hours before I had the surgery.

Once I had been wheeled into the operating ward, I had to lay all by my lonesome for thirty minutes, and I am not going to lie, I missed my snoring neighbour. My life seemed as though it couldn’t get any worse, then I saw him. Possibly the most attractive man in navy scrubs walking around with charts and those kinds of doctor-ie things. When he started walking towards me, I wanted to die. I was wearing a thin gown with no bra, I had bed hair, and I had a poo tooth stinking up my mouth. It turns out, he was my anesthetist. He wheeled me into the operating room and asked me to slide onto the very cold operating bed. He then untied my gown so I ‘wouldn’t choke’. Oh, save me, I could have died. He asked me how old I was and I said “I turn 17 tomorrow”, well I must have looked like an immature little rat face. We then spent half an hour getting to know each other while he poked me in every part of my arm looking for a useful vein. Once he had finally found one, I floated off to sleep. I am not going to lie – it was once of the best feelings in my life.

Now this is where the really cringe worthy stuff begins! When I came around, I was seeing double which was really frustrating. I told Dr. Steamy what was happening and he told me he had put some eye drops in while I was sleeping and that my vision would come back to normal soon. I then said, “well you are beautiful no matter what, and now I can see double of you.” Well I think you can understand why he backed away slowly and never returned. I was going on and on about my birthday and all the cake I was going to get when I heard the nurses trying to wake up the patient next to. Because drugged Hannah obviously thinks she is bloody Superman, I started yelling, at the top of my lungs “LARRY, LARRY, LARRY WAAAAAAAAAKE UP”. The nurses tried desperately to tell me to be quiet but I just kept on going. They wheeled me back to my room as fast as possible.

My mom was trying to help me get dressed and she was annoying me, so I banished her from my room because I was 100% fine. When she left, I tried to stand up and fell straight on my face. Thank goodness the pain killers were fairly strong and I didn’t feel a thing.

I got home, expecting to relax before my birthday, but no, that couldn’t happen. Our house was greeted with three frogs that only I was brave enough to capture. Try and image a drugged Hannah wailing around the house, with a giant ice pack around her head, trying to put ice-cream tubs on tiny frogs while my mother cried like a pathetic, ratchet gremlin. Bloody perfect birthday, don’t you agree?